I spent last night at Rathmullan House, where November's Women's Retreat will be held.
I was checking it out ahead of the retreat; getting to know its layout and feel. Sitting here and there on beautiful old couches, looking at antiques and paintings, eating lovely food, meditating on the beach and swimming in the pool.
A change is a good as a rest, they say, and this wee break did wonders for a mind and body struggling with uncertainty.
As most of you know Inner Haven's Letterkenny drop-ins have been a bit homeless recently. We left the warm nest of The Pastoral Centre and flew to Cheshire on Long Lane, which provided a welcome change and an opportunity to practice in a place dedicated to care and healing.
As often happens when living a life of growth and expansion I got the sense last week that we needed another change, to be somewhere more stable and secure. So this week I have been exploring options for an Inner Haven Centre; an 'Outer' Haven.
This has led me down many a path of possibility and brought up excitement along with a lot of old fear and insecurity.
Always another skin to shed. Even after years of meditation and retreat, more old layers of judgement and identity arise to be accepted and let go of. As the great mindfulness teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, says: We are never done, we keep on evolving til we become stardust again... and so it continues, never ending, just getting better and better.
This morning I sat on a rock for a long time, feeling the emotions around all the uncertainty. I knew it had reached a point where I needed to release it all into the lapping waves and sinking sand.
Collectively, all the tension in the body, the quivery feeling of being close to tears, the thoughts about what to 'do' to sort it all out, was just a lot of fear. As I sank my attention into it and inhabited the discomfort, it slowly reached a peak, tears came and then tumbled away to reveal a light feeling, a feeling of trust. Nothing had really changed and yet everything had changed.
With the resistance to uncertainty melted away I now have more energy and am being more honest about the next step. No doubt more fear will arise but I have remembered how to be with these times of big evolution. In times of change I meditate more, I am more loving with myself, I honour the stability I do have and learn to just dance on this shifting carpet.
New doors have since opened towards setting up a centre. I will continue to explore these in the coming weeks and let you know as things are finalised.
For now, the Monday night drop-in will be in the Adult Training room at Letterkenny Community Centre, 7-8pm.
One of the many flowers that has bloomed in the compost of this period of uncertainty is a deep feeling of being blessed to be the holder of meditative space. I am grateful to be a woman with the freedom to set up a centre where people can come to BE themselves, to heal and enjoy their own peaceful presence. And I am humbled and honoured by people's trust in me.